Cigarettes and those Regrets

Well, it's been awhile since I blogged, thought I'd wait til I saved up a decent amount of stuff to talk about to make a decent entry. Well, it's been over a week now since I've had a cigarette. And I haven't cheated once. Not so much as one little puff off of a cigarette. I've completely dropped them. Saving me some money and aggravation...Let's see if I can keep it up. Here's the sucky part though, I've been suffering from insomnia and depression, I stayed up til like 7 am this morning because I couldn't sleep and I spent like a good hour or two just bawling like an idiot unable to control my emotions. I've missed some work lately because I've just felt blah and completely off and like I'm not even freaking with it at all, and just like unable to function. I hate when the depression kicks in to the point of dehabilitation. My mom made me call my doctor, but he can't get me in for like almost another month. So I guess I'll just keep taking more of my panic meds and just try to see if I can snap myself out of it. IDK. Mom says she also thinks that Josh (my boyfriend) being gone on vacation for about 2 weeks now is part of it and that once he is back she seems to think I'll snap out of it. I don't know what's going on, but as comfortable as I am slipping right back into depression. I like being happy :/ I want it back.


But onto some other topics, life is not all about me, it took me long enough to realize that. I've got some interesting tidbits for everyone to check out. This is a really cool little game: Cut the Rope! I had quite a bit of fun tooling around, and boy does the lil guy make ya feel bad if you don't get that candy to him.


on another note I found some hilarious harry potter comic things located here and they are DEFINITELY worth checking out, I about lawled right off my bed at these.


I also found a pretty cool artsy little unique comic, not too long, worth giving a look here @ Sarah and the Seed


If you do/did like Pokemon, these Pokemon redesigns will give you the willies. Go look them over here


When you start thinking about the good things God has done, it gets your mind off the negative and on the positive. I try to have a good attitude as much as I can because I know that is the most Christ-Like way to be, Jesus didn't stand around complaining about all the bad things he was dealing with, he tried to be thankful for the blessings before him and find a way to help anyone and everyone elses. Want to improve your attitude? Here are some pointers. Check em out.







New songs I found
the xx-islands
totally awesome, makes me think of Josh. I love it. great for my smitten playlist.
the xx-stars
also amazing, so lyrically talented. amazing vocals too. great vibe. just totally loving it.

What am I?

In this world of self-identification, self-medication, self-doubt, and self-harm I often wonder...what am I? I've always dated men until recently. I had a few sexual escapades with a few women, which I completely enjoyed, but never a relationship with. I coined myself as Bisexual, which I guess I still am, I've had sex with both men and women and am attracted to both and open to a relationship with both.

But now I'm in my first "lesbian relationship." I've been dating a woman for roughly 6 months now and I'm very happy with her. She may be the best relationship prospect I've had yet on many levels. But it is still a bit foreign to be dating a lesbian and yet I myself feel I have one foot in and one foot out of gay culture. She is gay. She only dates women. Only has sex with women and is only interested in women. I've already stated that I'm equal opportunity.

Yet I feel the desire to click with a community, and I guess I click more with the gay community right now than straight community. I mean fuck, I can pick up a copy of cosmo still but why? It will tell me about the makeup and clothes I drool over but also tell me how to please my man? I don't have or need a man, thanks anyway. But I fear I'd be shunned from the gay community as well because I'm new at a gay relationship and I'm not entirely gay...I just happen to be in a gay relationship.

I want to read a magazine I can relate to, that the relationship stories and advice actually apply. Yet don't want to look like a hypocrite by reading a magazine I may not have the street cred to buy.

This sounds stupid doesn't it? But I'm left questioning who or what I am and where do I fit in?