What am I?

In this world of self-identification, self-medication, self-doubt, and self-harm I often wonder...what am I? I've always dated men until recently. I had a few sexual escapades with a few women, which I completely enjoyed, but never a relationship with. I coined myself as Bisexual, which I guess I still am, I've had sex with both men and women and am attracted to both and open to a relationship with both.

But now I'm in my first "lesbian relationship." I've been dating a woman for roughly 6 months now and I'm very happy with her. She may be the best relationship prospect I've had yet on many levels. But it is still a bit foreign to be dating a lesbian and yet I myself feel I have one foot in and one foot out of gay culture. She is gay. She only dates women. Only has sex with women and is only interested in women. I've already stated that I'm equal opportunity.

Yet I feel the desire to click with a community, and I guess I click more with the gay community right now than straight community. I mean fuck, I can pick up a copy of cosmo still but why? It will tell me about the makeup and clothes I drool over but also tell me how to please my man? I don't have or need a man, thanks anyway. But I fear I'd be shunned from the gay community as well because I'm new at a gay relationship and I'm not entirely gay...I just happen to be in a gay relationship.

I want to read a magazine I can relate to, that the relationship stories and advice actually apply. Yet don't want to look like a hypocrite by reading a magazine I may not have the street cred to buy.

This sounds stupid doesn't it? But I'm left questioning who or what I am and where do I fit in?

My girlfriend had a dream "they" killed me and then cloned me and I am a clone. She thinks I'm a clone now. Its becoming hurtful. She believes it, even cried.

I'm reading chicken soup for the soul: loving our cats and its wonderful but so heart touching and sad at parts several stories have made me cry already.

It's like you think I'm stupid

The way you instruct me to do something the way that you think it should be done. The way you chastise me for not asking you if I could do something I should perfectly well be able to just do and not ask to do. There's always a double standard of how it's okay for you to do something and leave me in whatever compromising position but it's completely outlandish and cause for chaos if I am to do the same.

I love you and I know you love me, and many times you are the sweetest person in the world and you make me feel safe and protected, you make me laugh and feel good, and you make me feel like I am a sacred treasure.

"I lift you up like the sweetest angel, I tear you down like a WHORE."
-Marilyn Manson

Often I don't know how to feel or what to think. I have moments where I feel I might hate you. And moments where I think I want to spend the rest of my life with you. No wonder I'm bipolar.

*frustrated*

Why are there so many blogs about Christianity? I'm not knocking it, if it works for you then great. But everytime I hit "next blog" I get something about ministries, or christianity, or scriptures. And I'm not into it. It is not my faith and it just makes me uncomfortable and aggravated for like 20 blogs in a row to be about the Christian faith. *sigh* Again, not knocking it, don't take offense if you are a Christian, I respect that. But some variety...please?

currently reading

Philip Pullman-His Dark Materials trilogy (The Golden Compass Books)
Holly Black-Tithe